When my husband came home from work Monday evening, I had to break the bad news to him about the results.   The whirlwind of emotions from both of us was unbearable.  He kept repeating he was so broken and rhetorically asking "no sperm, none at all?"  I tried my best to reassure him and offer comfort.

The next morning, I woke up for work and proceeded to carry on life as usual.  I gave him a kiss goodbye and told him I loved him.  He awoke and asked me how I had slept.  I quietly answered, "okay, I guess.  I love you," and I closed the door behind me.

I wasn't sure how I was going to get through the workday.

I was scheduled to work in the main pharmacy that day, and of course it also happened to be syringe Tuesday.  Every Tuesday we batch a shit ton of syringes for various parts of the hospital.  I also walked  into work and discovered I was scheduled to help train one of the new residents.  Awesome.  I paused and tried to mentally regroup myself for the day.

It happened to be a record-breaking heat wave in our area on Tuesday.  What does this have to do with my day you might be asking yourself?  Well, this means a helluva lot of people would be busting through the hospital doors with stroke, MI, CHF etc.  Basically, the day was one hot mess, in more ways than one.

When my lunch break finally decided to show it's face, I was sourly disappointed that the time had yet to strike 3:30 (AKA quittin time!).  Nope.  Fuck time.  So, off to lunch I went.  I must also mention, I have pretty crappy cell phone service in the main, which means lunch time = checking my phone for texts/voicemails.

I noticed MH had texted me.  He was doing exactly what I had anticipated he would do - extensively researching various causes/possible diagnosis.  I told him it was really too soon to speculate.  He then proceeded to call my phone.  I answered, allowed him to vent & gave him my honest perspective.

There are entirely too many unanswered questions and too little information to have any sort of idea on all of this.  He reluctantly accepted my response and we parted our cell phone ways.

Fast forward to post-dinner conversation.  At this point, I was a hefty glass of wine & a half in to my 2nd day alcohol self-medicating.  (I must mention - when I am excessively overwhelmed or severely anxious I have difficulty eating real meals. . . does wine count as a nutrition supplement? ;)) MH wanted to discuss our possible options, pending the outcome diagnosis.  He asked me point blank, "If I turn out to be, you know, sterile, do you want to leave me?"  I felt my heart sink into the floor in that moment.  "No!  I love you, and I don't want to leave you," was all I could reply with.

Today was a little bit better.  I requested we placed on the waiting list for any cancellations at the urologist office.  Either way, we have an appointment scheduled for August 22nd.  I made arrangements to have the day off from work to accompany MH to his appointment.

Ending side note:  I was nearing the end of my second glass of wine and I noticed 4 small fruit flies corpses initiating a new cemetery in my glass.  Cute.